I'm taking a break from the front page while I consider new options on what to do with it. In the meantime why don't you free your mind and play a nice game or if you have an idea on what I could do with the front page then email me.
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago? California became a state. The State had no electricity.. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real tits, and the men didn't hold hands.
A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it: A: the condor * B: the buzzard * C: the cuckoo * D: the vulture*
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because .. Her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
"I need an answer," said Meredith. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.' 'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
And Meredith replied, ‘That answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.
'How did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
Sally fainted.
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
THE COUNTRY of TEXOARKLA
In case things get a little tougher during the next few months, we In LOUISIANA, TEXAS , OKLAHOMA & ARKANSAS have a plan.
Maybe you don't know it, but LOUISIANA , TEXAS , OKLAHOMA , & ARKANSAS have a legal right to secede from the Union . (Reference the Texas/Louisiana-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)
Us TEXOARKLANS love y'all Americans, but we'll probably have to take action since Barack Obama won the election and is now the President of the U.S.A. We'll miss y'all though.
Here is what can happen:
1. Barack Hussein Obama, after becoming the President of the United States , begins to try and create a socialist country, then TEXAS , LOUISIANA , ARKANSAS and OKLAHOMA announces that they are going to secede from the Union ..
2. George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of TEXOARKLA . You might think that he doesn't talk too pretty, but we haven't had another terrorist attack and the economy was fine until the effects of Barney Frank and the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came home to roost.
So what does TEXOARKLA have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . We will control the space industry.
2. We refine over 90% of the gasoline in the United States .
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with TEXAS ," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of TEXOARKLA will need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we don't know. Why not ask Obama?
5. Natural Gas - again, we have all we need and it's too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will just have to figure out a way to keep them warm.
6. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications equipment - small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Nortel, Alcatel, etc... The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health centers.
8. We have enough colleges to keep educating and making smarter citizens: University of Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, University of Oklahoma , Oklahoma State University, UL-Lafayette, UL-Monroe, LSU, Louisiana Tech University , University of Arkansas , Arkansas State University, Baylor, Rice, TCU, SMU and MANY more.
9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force and it isn't restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in TEXOARKLA, we are a Right-to-Work State and, therefore, it's every man and woman for themselves. We just go out and get the job done. And if we don't like the way one company operates, we get a job somewhere else.
10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance industries, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the TEXOARKLA National Guard, the TEXOARKLA Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six guns and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and let's not forget seafood from the Gulf.. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. We don't need any food from somewhere else.
13. FIVE of the ten largest cities in the United States and THIRTY-TWO of the 100 largest cities in the United States are located in TEXOARKLA. And TEXOARKLA also has more land than California , New York , New Jersey , Connecticut , Delaware , Hawaii , Massachusetts , Maryland , Rhode Island and Vermont combined.
14. Trade: FIVE of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in TEXOARKLA.
15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You see, nothing rusts in TEXOARKLA so our vehicles stay beautiful and run well for decades.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of TEXOARKLA in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of you folks in the United States under President Obama:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off satellite communications.
You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Al Gore has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.
In other words, the rest of ya'll in the USA are screwed!
Signed, The People of TEXOARKLA
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you something to think about!
Sleep well tonight 'cause the eyes of TEXOARKLA are on YOU!
Dear Mr. President Obama, U. S. Senate and Congress:
I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my husband's health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements..
We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1.Free medical care for my entire family.
2.English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not. 3.All Mexico government forms, printed in Spanish, need to also be printed in English.
4.I want my kids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.
5.Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6.I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school.
7.Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8.I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9.I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I, probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10.In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11.I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12.I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13.Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say a critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who come to the U.S.. from Mexico. I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely, U.S. Citizen & Taxpayer
A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No, sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or, maybe I could take a message fer Dad.."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
Well you've wasted another 15 minutes of your life and now you have to find something else to do until next week. Enjoy your weekend and see you next week same time same place? If you find something that might interest me then contact me. Or if you just want to ask me something or even complain about something. I will get back to all of you and if it's really good I might answer you here. Make sure to check out my archives. So until next week don't get caught and I won't tell on you.
Last post made by: malektaus™ on Sep 18 2009, 11:54 PM
