Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago? California became a state. The State had no electricity.. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real tits, and the men didn't hold hands.
A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it: A: the condor * B: the buzzard * C: the cuckoo * D: the vulture*
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because .. Her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
"I need an answer," said Meredith. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.' 'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
And Meredith replied, ‘That answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.
'How did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
Sally fainted.
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
THE COUNTRY of TEXOARKLA
In case things get a little tougher during the next few months, we In LOUISIANA, TEXAS , OKLAHOMA & ARKANSAS have a plan.
Maybe you don't know it, but LOUISIANA , TEXAS , OKLAHOMA , & ARKANSAS have a legal right to secede from the Union . (Reference the Texas/Louisiana-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)
Us TEXOARKLANS love y'all Americans, but we'll probably have to take action since Barack Obama won the election and is now the President of the U.S.A. We'll miss y'all though.
Here is what can happen:
1. Barack Hussein Obama, after becoming the President of the United States , begins to try and create a socialist country, then TEXAS , LOUISIANA , ARKANSAS and OKLAHOMA announces that they are going to secede from the Union ..
2. George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of TEXOARKLA . You might think that he doesn't talk too pretty, but we haven't had another terrorist attack and the economy was fine until the effects of Barney Frank and the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came home to roost.
So what does TEXOARKLA have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . We will control the space industry.
2. We refine over 90% of the gasoline in the United States .
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with TEXAS ," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of TEXOARKLA will need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we don't know. Why not ask Obama?
5. Natural Gas - again, we have all we need and it's too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will just have to figure out a way to keep them warm.
6. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications equipment - small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Nortel, Alcatel, etc... The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health centers.
8. We have enough colleges to keep educating and making smarter citizens: University of Texas , Texas A&M, Texas Tech, University of Oklahoma , Oklahoma State University, UL-Lafayette, UL-Monroe, LSU, Louisiana Tech University , University of Arkansas , Arkansas State University, Baylor, Rice, TCU, SMU and MANY more.
9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force and it isn't restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in TEXOARKLA, we are a Right-to-Work State and, therefore, it's every man and woman for themselves. We just go out and get the job done. And if we don't like the way one company operates, we get a job somewhere else.
10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance industries, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the TEXOARKLA National Guard, the TEXOARKLA Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six guns and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and let's not forget seafood from the Gulf.. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. We don't need any food from somewhere else.
13. FIVE of the ten largest cities in the United States and THIRTY-TWO of the 100 largest cities in the United States are located in TEXOARKLA. And TEXOARKLA also has more land than California , New York , New Jersey , Connecticut , Delaware , Hawaii , Massachusetts , Maryland , Rhode Island and Vermont combined.
14. Trade: FIVE of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in TEXOARKLA.
15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You see, nothing rusts in TEXOARKLA so our vehicles stay beautiful and run well for decades.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of TEXOARKLA in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of you folks in the United States under President Obama:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off satellite communications.
You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Al Gore has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.
In other words, the rest of ya'll in the USA are screwed!
Signed, The People of TEXOARKLA
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you something to think about!
Sleep well tonight 'cause the eyes of TEXOARKLA are on YOU!
Dear Mr. President Obama, U. S. Senate and Congress:
I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my husband's health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements..
We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1.Free medical care for my entire family.
2.English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not. 3.All Mexico government forms, printed in Spanish, need to also be printed in English.
4.I want my kids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.
5.Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6.I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school.
7.Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8.I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9.I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I, probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10.In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11.I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12.I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13.Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say a critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who come to the U.S.. from Mexico. I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely, U.S. Citizen & Taxpayer
A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No, sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or, maybe I could take a message fer Dad.."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
Well you've wasted another 15 minutes of your life and now you have to find something else to do until next week. Enjoy your weekend and see you next week same time same place? If you find something that might interest me then contact me. Or if you just want to ask me something or even complain about something. I will get back to all of you and if it's really good I might answer you here. Make sure to check out my archives. So until next week don't get caught and I won't tell on you.
Last post made by: malektaus™ on Sep 18 2009, 11:54 PM
Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here..
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What breeze to Maintain.. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body).. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th: I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th: The wind sucks.. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug.. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when sat on the seats in the car, I thought my a$$ was on fire.. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried a$$, and baked cat.
Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do S#@% for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
The difference between the North and the South - at last, clearly explained....
The North has Bloomingdale's , the South has Dollar General .
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses .
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; the South has stock car races .
The North has Cream of Wheat , the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens .
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish .
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . ....
In the South : --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive
Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .
Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners.. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOU ARE UNDER OBAMA'S NEW HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters. (9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. (6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..." (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error. (3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming." (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them. (1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.
The latest telephone poll taken by the Texas Governor's office asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
29% responded, "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% responded, "No es una problema seriosa."
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times..?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God, I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful," said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"...
This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED."
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
Well you've wasted another 15 minutes of your life and now you have to find something else to do until next week. Enjoy your weekend and see you next week same time same place? If you find something that might interest me then contact me. Or if you just want to ask me something or even complain about something. I will get back to all of you and if it's really good I might answer you here. Make sure to check out my archives. So until next week don't get caught and I won't tell on you.
Last post made by: Death Dealer on Sep 2 2009, 03:00 AM
